What Pushes Otherwise Healthy Functioning Olim Parents Over the Edge.

I am beginning to see a recurring pattern, by good innocent people (i.e. Israeli's) on the one side, that is impacting negatively on other good, innocent people (Olim), trying to re-establish a life for themselves in this country that they also call home. I want to stress that no one is to blame here, I am merely describing a phenomenon that I hope to shed light on and how we can improve it.

I have a particular soft spot for Olim who are also parents, as there is added pressure on parents to help not only themselves, but also the other humans under their care, with all their character differences, feel settled, secure and successful. So when I see certain behavior repeated, with much graver impact than intended, stemming seemingly from ignorance and cultural misunderstandings, I get worked up. Because we could be saving people so much precious and vital emotional energy and heartache, that could be put to much better use, like actually adjusting to Israel and getting on with life, rather than recovering from new traumas created from interpersonal misunderstandings.

The pattern begins with an "observation" made by an Israeli educator or health professional, etc, of a certain behavior of an Oleh, followed by said person commenting, or "evaluating", or "suggesting", or a "proclaiming" something that sounds like an expert opinion, without understanding context. A snap shot in to someone else's life, and that is enough to entitle and Israeli to an expert diagnosis, with a sometimes alarming prognosis. It can actually feel like bullying to someone not familiar with the Israeli style of 'care' (or some might call it 'interpersonal dominance'), and leave one feeling bewildered and not quite sure how you ever got there, and wondering what just happened.

So many examples pop to mind, I am not sure where to start. Should I share with you about the time I returned for results to my doctor after a traumatic day surgery hospital experience (following a miscarriage), where I wanted to give him feedback at the terrible treatment I endured (like being left alone outside the operating room on stretcher, for around 10 -15 minutes, garbed in a hospital gown only, whilst the only people within earshot were two male workers doing dusty renovations down the corridor; or waking up from general anesthetic completely disoriented, without a single human to tell me where I was or how the procedure went)? He stated he had no interest or time to listen to my feedback, that I had no reason to complain, and I while I reeled back from my culture shock moment, where total empathic failure led me to tear up, he proceeded to let me know my reaction was definately not normal and implied that I needed psychiatric help. CASE. IN. POINT.

Or the time where my smart and sensitive 4.5 yr old child didn't gel with his preschool staff member's more bossy demeanor, not to mention not understanding each other. Children quickly figure out whether or not they feel their needs are going to be met by the adults in their vicinity, and let's not forget children have different needs (that's right, they are not all the same). And so, although some Olim children may adjust more quickly athan others (as they love to tell you), there is nothing "wrong" with those children that just have different needs when they walk in to a brand new and completely foreign environment. One can almost predict one's own child not getting enough of their needs tended to. My son just didn't fully comply, and the more they insisted, the more he protected himself and refused. All he needed (if you asked his mum) was warmth and feeling valued, rather than a bother or just another "annoying" or "naughty" kid. AT LEAST NOT THE FIRST DAY OF PRESCHOOL IN ISRAEL. Surprisingly (NOT!), the day (it was a one-off) an English speaking staff member engaged with him sensitively, he reported he had a "good day" at school, and everyone was "happy" with him.

Yet I am hearing more and more stories, where Olim kids, adults, etc, for whatever reason, find themselves in situations where they are not receiving their current level of needs/requirements to an adequate degree (e.g. bedside manner, patience or a caring ear), leaving them feeling alone, alienated, or insecure, which leads to a certain impression on authorities around them, who then misjudge this impression 'out of context', and escalates the situation. It could, for example, lead an Israeli teacher to insist on a educational evaluation for a smart Oleh child, who is not playing enough with Israeli kids, or doesn't comply, whose parents know there are no learning difficulties. This creates a new fear, that the child will not perform on the Israeli test, and that this might confirm the misguided concerns that were based initially on adjustment issues. The parents go through this stress, and it becomes a terribly draining (also financially) experience. That is on top of everything they are going through. Not to mention the shock, stigma, disbelief that from a normal situation, (that of being new migrants with initially few specific added requirements) could become pathological and out of control so quickly.

4 TIPS TO HELP PREVENT OLIM FROM BEING TIPPED OVER THE EDGE:

LOCATE WHERE YOU ARE IN YOUR PROCESS OF IMMIGRATION CULTURE SHOCK!

First, Olim need to understand the process of immigration, and what this psychologically requires of them. They need some navigation skills, to understand where they are up to, and to be prepared for each stage as it arises. The first stage is the honeymoon phase, closely followed by an adjustment depression. This 2nd phase, slightly more demanding than the first, may have you finding everything around you as less than the standard you are used to, comparing Israel negatively to your country of origin, missing home and loved one's, and feeling alienated in the new culture, wondering why you gave up everything you know and love to be here?!!!. Good news is, this is just a phase, and it generally passes, at least in intensity.

TAKE REGULAR MOMENTS TO STRENGTHEN YOURSELF IDENTITY

Second, you need to keep taking small moments throughout the day of coming back to yourself, and revitalising your confidence and knowledge of who you are, strengthening your own beliefs and values. Our identity gets a hard knock in early stages of immigration, as society reflects new things back about you that were not visible in your country of origin, that can shock your system. For example, Israeli's can behave as though you are inappropriately emotional when you are actually appropriately responding to a new experience that may feel overwhelming to you, unbeknownst to them. This can make you question and doubt yourself, "why can't I cope?", leaving you feeling ashamed or embarrassed or inadequate. Its important to remind yourself it is OK to feel overwhelmed after moving to Israel. IT REALLY CAN BE OVERWHELMING. Breathe and be kind to yourself, it will pass.

FEEL FREE TO EDUCATE ISRAELI'S ABOUT CULTURE SHOCK AND WHAT THEY CAN DO TO HELP

Thirdly, feel free to let Israeli's know what you believe is going on. For example, you can acknowledge, that although it may seem like a,b, or c, to the Israeli, which you can understand, in actual fact what is going on are some culture shock adjustment issues. Be the expert, and don't be afraid to dominate the conversation when it comes to you and your family, and knowing what is going on. Obviously you can listen to others concerns, but don't forget to listen to your gut first and foremost. Then offer suggestions how they can help, e.g. by being patient, sensitive, and caring, rather than opinionated, critical and jumping to understandable but incorrect evaluations which could cause more damage than good.

GET CONNECTED TO OTHERS ON YOUR WAVELENGTH

Fourth, join groups and connect to other Olim, to feel connected around you to people who also think more like you. It helps make you feel normal again, and human. Attend a culture shock workshop and get reoriented! Your feelings are normal, your experiences are valid, you deserve to have a place to know what you are going through is 100% legitimate! If you still feel you need more support, see someone one on one, you should never feel alone.